28JUN09 Posting done now :D

This was supposed to be posted back on 28JUN09 ; Just shows how lazy I am.

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As I start writing this, I wonder where I am headed with this post or this piece (would like to call it a piece of art, but then no one else will except me).

Lots of things have happened these past few weeks I am totally disconnected with reality. Want to race through life at the same time don’t want it to be a blurry haze when I do look back. Had the opportunity to interact with several different types and kinds of people for which I am very happy and they made me realize how lucky I am to have such a good life and upbringing. I am extremely blessed to have a loving family, friends who genuinely care about me and my well being with no expectations.

If one would ask who Siva is to you, I wonder what they would say, is he someone you can depend upon or someone who is irresponsible and careless. I do not want to be someone who knows everyone in the world, I just want to be a person who can be termed as a good guy and who never bothered anyone and always tried his best to help his friends when they needed him the most.

The world has become a place where people are chasing after money that they forget that life should be about the Pursuit of Happiness and not about materialistic things. I can call myself the Prima Facie evidence for this; I am more bothered about making money and my future that I have stopped living a life I truly want. Not that I know what I truly want still I am pretty sure where I am at the moment is not where I want to be. A couple of days back in the middle of the night I wanted to learn cooking and become a chef, I brushed it aside thinking that I was hungry and that’s the reason for the sudden yearning to be a cook. The other day I wanted to be a DJ and this time the music being played by the DJ in the Pub was horrendous and he wasn’t that great in mixing the tracks. Not that I know A – Z about DJing and all, it’s just that the music neither relaxed me nor ensured that I had a blast. I do have these urges and most are quelled when I think about my responsibilities and my needs. Someone very close to my heart suggested that I try my hand in Journalism or some form of writing as a profession as my words blew their mind off. I do consider myself a good pen however I have read blogs of quite some amazing folks who with their words could really inspire you or could give you a tour of the ancient ruins with just their words and I can never do. I can only ramble and never make a point. This is my blog and I will be venting my feelings which are off late have only been frustrations rather than anything else. Till I figure out what I really want to do my rambling will continue, sorry guys you have no reprieve from me and my blogs J

I remember writing about Needs and Wants wherein I had quipped to an Interviewer that “I don’t need this job however I do want this job”. I have been thinking about my needs and want quite a lot; one thing I understand is that my wants are more than my needs. I want lots of things that ensure me that I am never happy with whatever I have. Content is not a word that is in my dictionary. I am never content, always unhappy and always wanting more. Not being content and wanting more has it advantages vis-à-vis it motivates you to achieve more, it propels one to accomplish greater heights. Knowing myself, I have realized that though I want more out off life, am not ready to put in the effort, nor am I willing to sacrifice things that I can do without for the time being. Whether it’s a couple of hours of sleep or the sudden urge to have ice cream in the middle of the night, my urges and my laziness always wins in the end. I know the root cause of my problem; my will is not strong enough to accept the pain or the disappointment. This is because of my Pessimistic approach to life. Come to think of it I do not endure the pain thinking that better things will happen to me, because they always do. I am a firm believer that if one door closes another opens up. Guess, am neither a pessimist nor an optimist, am just confused.

Being Lazy or procrastinating is my biggest weakness. I started reading the book “The Monk who sold his Ferrari”, back in 2006. After a couple of pages I closed the book and never had the courage to read it again. The author described in his initial pages about Comfort Zone and I realized that I am the prime audience for this book. No wonder that book was a best – seller as it fits everyone’s life at one point or the other. I am still in a comfort zone, living with my parents at 28 years, Mom to take care of my food, clothes and all I need to do is eat, sleep and work. I am thinking about making my life a little difficult for myself however I am not sure if I’ll have the courage to go through that. Not that my life is a Bed of roses, though I am physically comfortable where I am, mentally am not happy with the way my life is. Being a strong – willed person is not what I am. I was contemplating with my friend over a drink last night and asked him whether I am a push-over or someone who can be easily influenced by others. Do I have individualistic thoughts and do I live my life as per my wishes. Lots of people have given advises on how I should do things or what I should do, end of the day I have taken all my decisions on my own and have never dependant on anyone else to decide for me. Again, am just confused about this as well.

Know Thyself is a phrase that I try to understand. I have rambled on for 2 pages about what I am, I know my weakness’s or my areas of improvement. Have I ever really tried to improve, NO. I know if I need to change things about my life then I’ll have to live with it for the rest of my life and I am afraid that what if those things don’t work out as well. Fear of the unknown. There are lots of questions I ponder upon that end up disturbing my peace of mind. Eventually I’ll have to decide on what I really want and what I am willing to sacrifice for achieving those. As they say failure is the stepping stone for success, now that I have acknowledged my fears, it’s time for me to face my fears and see if anything worthwhile comes out off it.

This started out as a time pass post, as am in Bangalore on a Sunday and my friend is still sleeping off yesterday’s alcohol. Am Dandy as a daisy now and it’s time for me to wake him up and get the party started. Hopefully I do have the patience to blog more. Time will tell.

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